June 22, 2014

Values                                                                                                             Done

Integrity                                Compassion                                         Not planned the day

Loyalty                                   Vision                                                     Not fed dogs 2nd meal

Caring                                       Strength                                               Pick at face

Empathy                                  Truth

Passion


Goals – Focus

Financial – make a plan and follow it

Physical – 10,000 steps per day

Spiritual – Meditate 10 minutes per day

Career – 15 no’s by 8/15 Safety Preparedness event

Family – ask the deeper questions

Social – contact one friend per day

Intellectual – read ten minutes per day, one book per month


So I gave myself the day to recover. I still kind of feel like I spent most of the day in bed and now as it’s time to sleep, I start journaling.

As I was planning tomorrow, I got that stressed feeling again. Thinking about all of the things I need to do stresses me out, but if I don’t write it down tonight, I know I will forget something tomorrow. That’s why I can’t wait until I start my new control journal. It will be set up the way my work one was. I will only put the to dos on one side and as things come up to do, I shall write them on the opposite side to worry about the next day. I like that system better than what I am doing now with writing it down on tomorrow’s page automatically. It seems a waste of space, but I think having it on the other page helps because I don’t have to flip the page to write it down. It’s also useful for note taking.

I think the lizard brain is starting to take hold, regarding the safety preparedness event. That means what I am doing is what I should be doing. But it’s stressing me out. I’ve been holding my breath. Lack of oxygen helps to fuel the lizard brain. Dehydration probably isn’t helping either,

I’m also stressed about the rituals for the next two days. I’ve been afraid to make mistakes because there are consequences to those mistakes. I don’t like making mistakes when doing magic or rituals because the consequences could be dire. Learning by mistakes in this tradition is not something I want to do. However, the fear of making a mistake has made me not confident in my abilities, which has held me back in my growth as a priestess. I’m a goodie-two-shoes and don’t like being punished. But as long as I accept the consequences of anything I do, I should be fine.

When I first began my journey, I learned quickly. Now it seems like a snails pace. I don’t like feeling stupid, so I don’t like asking questions. But at the same time, I don’t want to make a mistake. So I will have to suck it up and ask questions, be willing to make mistakes, and be willing to take on the consequences. Otherwise I will not advance much further.

There is so much I want to do, but feel there is not time to complete it on time. But I DO have the time. I just need to practice patience and persevere. Baby steps. A little bit here, a little bit there and it will get done. I think I finally understand “Do without doing and everything will get done”. It doesn’t feel like I am doing anything when I’m doing the projects in small chunks, but they are getting done.

I was holding my breath again. I need to stop doing that. I AM making progress, I’m working through my fear. “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” Frank Herbert “Dune”

 

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